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Towards Increased Self-Esteem

External appearance and behaviour mirror your inner self. A healthy self-image is generally the result of having a healthy career and family life. 

All through our lives, we are taught to respect others. None of us however include ourselves in the “others”.  Respect is the right of every individual, simply because he/she exists. We do not need to search for other reasons. 

The first step in developing a healthy self-image is to know, “I am important”. We are all “somebody” in our own way. What kind of “somebody” we want to be is entirely a personal choice. 

The mind acts as a sponge, absorbing everything you say to it! If you say something often enough, the mind starts retaining and believing it. What you want to believe is what you must tell the brain. Repeatedly tell the mind “I am important”, and it will get conditioned to the idea.

A damaged self-esteem is a consequence of unpleasant experiences in the past. Doubts about your self may have arisen due to a slight by a key person in your life like your parent, teacher or superior!  Repetitive criticism also contributes to loss of confidence. This goes on, until you stop taking even valid criticism constructively. This in turn keeps you from self-improvement and so the vicious circle goes on! 

The past cannot change, but you can use it as a change factor. It’s a textbook for you to learn from. Know also that we cannot control others, but we can certainly control our reactions! However hard somebody may try, they cannot berate you, unless of course, you allow them to.

Building self-esteem does not require a drastic change in your personality. You only need to promise yourself that you won’t dwell on the past. The future is what you need to concentrate on!

Remember, brilliant successes sometimes are the by-products of spectacular failures! Sony’s Akio Morita was made fun of when he devised the “Walkman”, and Bill Gates was a Harvard drop out. These are just a few examples to cite!

Here are some guidelines to build healthy self-esteem:

· Understand your strengths and weakness. Capitalise on your strengths and try to work on overcoming your weaknesses.

· Build a strong set of values and principles to live by. If you do not have one, you may easily be swayed by others’ opinions.

· Don’t hesitate to take risks, especially when the odds are in favour of success.

· Don’t condemn yourself for wrong decisions taken in the past. Move on!

· Interact with people who have a positive influence on you. Keep away from those who ridicule or depress you.

· To help improve self-perception, join a support group, read self-improvement books, or take a self-help course.

· Let others know that you would like them to reciprocate the courtesy extended to them.

· Don’t let yourself be pushed around. 

Finally…if you don’t respect yourself, others won’t either!

Do you like yourself? 

Most people are happy with themselves only when they have achieved something spectacular. On a daily basis, they are most times resigned to themselves! Their attitude is, “I have no choice but to live with myself, so let me do the best I can” It takes a major accomplishment to make us boost our self- worth. Unfortunately, major accomplishments are seldom every day occurrences. It only requires something to go wrong in our lives and we are back to our self-deprecating attitude.

To be successful professionals (or just simply successful human beings.) we need to get out of this yo-yo way of seeing ourselves. While it pays to be realistic, it also pays to make allowances for us. How we value ourselves as a person has a direct bearing on how we value others. This in turn directly affects our relationships with others. It is important to enhance our self-awareness towards how we think and feel about ourselves. Our self-image is influenced by the extent to which we are aware of our own strengths and weaknesses.

A few ways to help us accept ourselves (warts et al):

Avoid self-abusive criticism

Go easy on yourself. Learn to affirm positive things about yourself, Sometimes we have a tape playing at the sub-conscious level of our mind and its goes on repeating messages like “ you’re so fat”, “ no one likes you”, you are difficult to live with … and so on. Do yourself a favour. Switch off this tape and replace it with positive confessions about yourself.

Realise your gifts and be proud of them.

Come on, everyone is gifted in some way or the other. Maybe you are not a scintillating conversationalist, but maybe you are a gifted listener (a rare quality indeed!) Organising may not be you strong point, but maybe deductive logic and intuitive thinking is. Irrespective of what you’re talented in, what is essential is that you be aware of it and draw strength from it. Knowing where your forte lies also helps in pursuing more feasible goals.

Be mindful of your limited ability

Sometimes we lead frustrated lives because we believe that we are (or at least we ought to be) in absolute control of everything in our lives. You only have to get caught in an unexpected shower on your way to an important interview, to realize that it is a myth! Plan ahead, but be aware that at times you cannot predict or control the way things turn out. Once you realise this, it eases the burden of trying to ‘play God.’

Wallow if you must, but not in self-pity - a bubble bath is better!

Face it, all of us feel utterly alone at some point or the other. This is no excuse to give yourself a pity party. Self-pity has the dangerous ability to distort our perception of reality. Anyway, whoever said that life is fair all the time. We may at times be mistreated, at times misunderstood, but that is not enough justification to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves.

When such things do happen, give yourself a small treat and get on with life.

Bounce back

When faced with failure, its natural to feel disappointed but don’t let it crush you. Also, don’t let one failure make you get caught in the web of sweeping generalisations about yourself. Self-condemnation never got anyone anywhere. Isolated stray incidents of failure don’t make you a failure. Give yourself credit for all the times when you have succeeded.

Are you driving yourself crazy?

With more and more work to handle in less and less time, where every target was to be met ‘yesterday’, it’s quite easy to lose that grip on ourselves and feel like we’re sinking under circumstances. Panic sets in, and we lose our balance. Every fear gets exaggerated and we reach the conclusion that we’re actually not competent professionals at all. If this sounds familiar, then read on…

More than external pressures, it’s how we react to them that determines our performance and our ability to handle stress.

Don’t drive yourself so hard.

Sandhya, an executive at a Dotcom, has the tendency to drive herself to impossible limits. Whenever an assignment is handed to her, she can never bring herself to consider if done, till it is just perfect. As a result she spends far too much time and energy on it and flogs herself in the bargain. The solution to this is to handle a task in such a way that you are satisfied with it and it serves the purpose. This doesn’t imply that you hand in sub-standard work, but that you don’t have to beat yourself trying to hand in ‘the’ perfect assignment! In other words, don’t spend more time on a particular task than necessary. Not everything is earth-shakingly important. Look at the limitations of time and decide what needs to go into it.

Think of the here and now.

That assignment lying on your desk is more important than what might turn up after that re-structuring meeting your boss is going to have next week. Never mind if the fallout of that meeting is going to be that you’re going to do double of what you’re doing right now. Sufficient for the day is today’s trouble! Why pressurise yourself further by worrying about later?

Don’t wait for deadlines

We all have a tendency to get cracking on something only when it’s due the next day. Then we run around in circles, worrying ourselves sick, wondering how on earth we’ll ever get it done. All this can be avoided if we set a cut-off date for ourselves, which is far ahead of the actual deadline. This way, we’re ahead of schedule. It leaves us with that much extra time to revise our work in a relaxed frame of mind. Otherwise, we end up busy winding up the project till the last minute, and turn it in without running a thorough quality check, and subsequently spend sleepless nights thinking about how we could have done it better.

Bounce your ideas

It always helps you to crystallize your ideas if you bounce them off your colleague or someone who understands your work. When we’re caught up in a ‘Eureka’ experience, we may not be able to see any flaws or drawbacks in our thinking. So it pays to have someone objectively analyse it- bound to save us a lot of disappointment later. Depending on feedback, we can re-align our plan or strategy and work productively. It also reassures us that apart from us, someone else also thinks it to be worthwhile work. At times, that kind of reassurance may be exactly what we need to restore our sanity!

You need to be more professional…”

The stolid face of the corporate world is changing rapidly. Today, we see a relaxation in the rigid corporate laws. A new culture seems to be the obvious fallout- a system that believes in quality rather than quantity. Lines of demarcation between workplace and home are faint and the work atmosphere is becoming more informal. Casual dressing, and even occasional grunginess is now acceptable.

With so many liberties to enjoy, one should know where to draw the line between professionalism and sheer tardiness!

Here are a few things to help you strike a balance between work and enjoyment.

Knowledge is not passé

Expertise in a particular field is always an asset. To be a professional you need to carve a niche for yourself. Being a general ‘jack of all trades’ doesn’t pay in the long run. Being professional does mean that you have a skill that the market requires and you’re ready to give it all takes to make it big by using the skill.

Keep up with the latest happenings in your field, and make sure you stay clued in. Have all the information that your job requires at you fingertips and you will soon find yourself scaling the heights of professionalism.

Don’t lose your calling

A true professional takes a step forward only in a direction that will enhance his career or give it that extra boost. You need to be committed to your choice and develop your skills accordingly. Flitting from job to job, or from one unrelated field to another is unbecoming of a true professional. You need to aim at achieving excellence through a committed effort and undying dedication.

Be a promise keeper

Just because you treat colleagues as your friends, doesn’t mean you can take them for granted. They are still your colleagues first and then your friends. If you’ve made a promise, or commitment, delivering it and keeping your word is what is required of you. Remember that delivering on time and in quality will earn you respect from your superiors and peers.

To blunder is unforgivable

Learn to keep sensitive information confidential. Being a telltale only earns you the reputation of being unreliable. Being professional also implies that you need to do justice to your work. If you are enthusiastic about taking on added responsibility, then you also need to make sure you live up to the expectations. 

A thin line that runs in between

Learning to distinguish between the professional and personal at the workplace is also necessary. Even if you have developed a close rapport with your colleague, you should give yourself room enough to work, to be able to give constructive criticism, as well as provide honest feedback. You don’t need to sacrifice professionalism on the altar of friendship. At work you need to maintain a respectable distance and let the other person enjoy his/her space. 

Professionalism is vital to career progression and every true professional knows that beneath the garb of casual dressing and informality lies an attitude that aims at perfection in addition to taking home a good pay-packet

Are you a good listener? 

Your boss has just finished briefing you on that all-important deal. He folds up the documents and asks you “So, can you do it by tomorrow?”

“Do what by tomorrow?” you wonder wildly. There! It’s happened again, you haven’t been listening to a word of what he’s been saying for the last 5 minutes. 

Your colleague is telling you all about how he handled a tricky situation – but you’re engaged in mulling over how it could be done better. 

Your subordinate is informing you about how he went about a certain project and at the same time you’re busy enlightening him about how you would have handled it 

Most people whether they acknowledge it or not, have a real problem with listening.

The fact remains that listening is one of the most important skills needed for you to be a successful manager. 

A few tips on fine tuning your ears…. 

Listen - don’t think 

We’ve all had times when we’ve responded with a glassy stare when someone was talking to us. Perhaps we were busy thinking up smart answers to an anticipated question or something that person said made us fly off at a tangent. Whatever the reason, we need to learn to focus on what the speaker is saying, not on our response to him.

Listen - don’t fidget around 

Sometimes, we’re trying to do two things at a time. Yes, multitasking is the order of the day, but not when it comes to serious listening. Stop clearing the papers on your desk when your colleague is confiding in you. Stop scribbling on your note pad when your subordinate is giving you the status of that project. Wholehearted listening will pay you rich dividends.

Listen - don’t jump to conclusions 

Sometimes we tend to draw conclusions and assumptions based on only half of what we’ve heard thus far. Give the speaker a fair chance to conclude what he wants to say before you jump in with your useful insights and masterly conclusions! 

Listen - with your eyes and ears open 

Half of any conversation happens through things that are said between the lines, through non-verbal cues and gestures. Be alert to these- the way in which it is being said, the tone, the expression etc. These will not only help you to hear what a person is saying, but also what he is not saying. 

Listen - and then talk 

Get feedback on whether you’ve heard someone correctly by asking them relevant questions or by reiterating what they’ve said. This helps you to clarify doubts if any, as well as serves to imprint it in your memory. 

Listen - and listen some more! 

The more accomplished a listener you are, the better you’ll be at gathering information. The more the information you have, the more empowered you become. Isn’t that one of the goals of any human being?

Watch what you say!

The main reason most people suffer from a poor self-image is because they’ve heard negative words about themselves throughout their lives. Probably these came from authority figures in their childhood. Childhood being a vulnerable stage, they simply believed whatever was told about them. Later as adults, they echoed those words about themselves and thus started the vicious circle. Little wonder then that even till today some of us have a tough time trying to fight against our low self-esteem. 

Research proves that the words we hear about ourselves become like self-fulfilling prophecies. For instance, if a parent has always told a child that he’s clumsy, the chances are that he will continue that way. Coming to a workplace situation- if your boss always says that you’re disorganised, the chances are that you will be so. Not that there is some mystical power in words, but it is a fact that we are influenced for the better or worse by what we hear. Of course there are winners who overcome against all odds and despite tons of criticism! Nevertheless, for the average person, words do have an effect.

While you cannot change the words others hurl at you, you can definitely change what you say about yourself and your situation. 

A few do’s and don’ts

Don’t make sweeping generalisations 

When things are going wrong, don’t make sweeping statements like “it always happens like this” or “ why do such things only happen to me”. Innocuous as these words may seem, they make you view yourself as a victim of circumstances and as of forces beyond your control. When you make such an admission, you’ve relinquished that degree of control necessary for any successful manager (or for any successful human for that matter.) 

Don’t condemn yourself

How often have you chastised yourself and gone on a guilt trip when something you tried didn’t work out? Perhaps it was a presentation that went drastically and embarrassingly wrong. Statements like, “ I knew it! Things have to go wrong when I’m handling something” or “ people like me can never succeed” pull you further into the never-ending circle of defeat. You’re likely to snap out of such disappointments more quickly if you say nothing or something positive like” it’ll definitely work out just fine next time.” Likewise when others say something damaging to your self-esteem, you need to replace that with a positive confession about yourself. This can act as the much needed pick-me-up for the situation!

Avoid words like “should” or “have to”

Very often we take refuge behind such words when we want to imply that there are certain things we need to do (not necessarily because we like it, but because we don’t have any other choice) sometimes we may say these to motivate ourselves, but when that doesn’t happen we end up feeling miserable (I have to eat less, I have to read this much every month, I have to work harder…sounds familiar?) word like these take the pleasure out of an activity. Our job, relationships, can become something we have to work at, not because we like to, but because its been thrust upon us and we must (another killer!) make the best of it.  

Try saying “ I want to”

Try replacing “have” and “should” with words like “want to”. You don’t have to go home on time; you want to- so that you can lead an organized life. You don’t have to take up that course; you want to so that you can stay contemporary. One thing is for sure- if you do things you want to; you’re going to have a better time doing them.

Watch your words and watch your life change!

Back

Humility helps…

Having tasted sweet success, it’s a poor show indeed if it has gone straight to your head. Most people blow it once they reach a certain level of power and prestige. Nevertheless, the fact remains that the hallmark of a true leader is a willingness to continue to learn, which is not possible without humility. 

A few tips to keep your ego in check.

Listen to others 

The sooner you concede that you don’t have the final word on everything, the faster you’ll pick up new ideas and widen your perspective. It’s good to have a balanced view of your strengths and weaknesses. Humility can be your best friend in the school of learning! 

Admit your mistakes 

When we are in a position of power or authority, it can make us slightly insecure. That timeworn cliché still rings true-“ Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown”. This might partly be because of a fear of making a mistake and the subsequent vulnerability that comes from exposure of it. When you’re willing to make an allowance for your mistakes and be willing to admit them too- you’ll be more at peace, besides appearing more ‘human’ to your subordinates. 

Never brag 

You might be simply bowled over by your success and probably want your legitimate share of the limelight- but resist the urge. Your accomplishments at work will anyway be noticed, tooting your horn will only lower your rating in the other’s view. Beware of false modesty though. If someone does congratulate you, acknowledge it in a dignified manner. 

Make allowances for others 

You might be used to a certain standard of performance. While it is good to inspire others to make them perform better, don’t keep comparing them to yourself. It could be pride masquerading as a quest for perfection! If others never measure up in your sight, perhaps you’ve begun to have feelings of superiority or delusions of perfection about your own self. Respecting others and their abilities is a sure indication of a healthy ego. 

Don’t make others feel small 

When someone makes a mistake, don’t laugh at them or mock at their attempts. Remember it could well have been you in their shoes. Being gracious even in such situations is a good way of staying humble. If you can’t say something encouraging, say nothing at all. Also, remember that sarcasm is not really a form of wit, only an indication of a cocky and arrogant attitude. 

Don’t be overawed by rank 

Some of the lessons you learn in life could be from someone as “insignificant” as the boy who polishes your shoes. If the only lessons you are willing to learn are those in boardrooms, where your boss is presiding - you’re missing out on a major part of what life has to teach! Showing a readiness to learn from others irrespective of their designation or status is a rare quality indeed. 

Don’t jump in  

Don’t try to always jump the queue when offering your suggestions and ideas. Give others a chance to speak. Also, don’t second-guess everyone and everything. Hold your horses and also avoid statements like “In my humble opinion” (IMHO)- it only goes on to prove that it is anything but that! 

Staying humble is not easy especially if you receive more than your fair share of adulation. It requires self-restraint, self-awareness and the ability to laugh at yourself. The ultimate test of success is to stay balanced after you rise to the top!

Slip-ups that could cost you your career

Bring brilliant and a go-getter is not enough to rise to the top. What is needed is the perception to recognise and avoid career blunders. A serious slip-up could cost you your credibility- and once credibility is gone, little else remains. Many a career has been shipwrecked because of this.  

A few no-nos…

Getting jaded

Watch that fresher at work. He’s there before anyone is, he’s eager and earnest about any assignment (never mind how boring it is), in fact his enthusiasm is almost sickening! Remember how you were when you started your first serious job? Compare yourself against how you are now. Where do you stand? In all probability, now you take your job and your career for granted and have stopped putting in that kind of a sincere effort to excel. Not to say that you’re not doing your job, but it’s probably come down to going through the motions.  

Treating it like recreation

Yes, work may be fun, but if you now look forward to office just for the socialising aspect of it, watch it. The top management will be aware of what’s going on and it reflects poorly on your professionalism. Overworking the water cooler or the coffee machine is not a smart business strategy at all. Also, remember, there is a difference between networking and notworking. Gossip cannot masquerade as information – sharing for long, so limit the social get-togethers at work. 

Cribbing about the boss

A favourite pastime for many! Almost everyone is guilty of this blunder at some point or the other. The smart ones just realise that it is an exercise in futility and move on; the not-so-smart ones end up badmouthing their boss and sabotaging their career. Sacrificing long-term goals for brief temporary relief doesn’t make sense. Besides, it is unprofessional and disloyal on your part to gripe about the person you’re reporting to. For better or for worse, your boss is your boss and gossiping about him and his shortcomings will boomerang on you someday. 

Bringing your family to work

Mixing your professional and personal lives is not the wisest thing to do. Revealing too much about your personal life to your boss or colleagues is inviting trouble. If you are having trouble on the home front and others know about it, they’ll start judging your work through a different viewpoint. Since they’ll expect you to perform below the accepted level, they’ll perceive it that way even if your performance hasn’t suffered. Disclose details of your personal life only if you’re sure that it’s going to affect your work output.  

Throwing tantrums

Many people blow it when it comes to emotional maturity. A person who is ruled by his mood will never be able to provide consistent output. Sulking at perceived insults, moaning about workload, being petulant when your ideas are shot down, getting defensive when criticised, one-upmanship - all these are classic signs of emotional immaturity. With emotional intelligence being increasingly valued, you cannot afford to let these factors drag you down.  

Avoid these career blunders and rise to the top!

Are you a know-it-all?

You might be well qualified, well experienced and an invaluable asset to your company- the problem solver who can offer a quick-fix solution for any crisis situation. Quite a formidable reputation, except for one thing- not many people seem to be enamored with your image. In fact, you have a sneaky feeling that when your colleagues are caught in an impasse work-wise; they duck when they see you coming! You find their attitude rather baffling, to say the least.  

An honest look at your interactions and into your own attitude will probably help you identify whether you come across as a know - it -all. 

Offering unsolicited advice

One of the key trademarks of a know-it-all! Your intentions may be ‘noble’, but remember very few people take advice even after asking for it. You can imagine how few take it when they’re offered advice even without their asking for it. If you are guilty of this offence, just try to recollect how exasperated you feel when someone does the same to you. 

Getting in the first word…

the last word and a couple more in between - does that describe your style of communication? Learning to hold your horses is not only a wiser course of action but will also make you a better listener. If you’re forever jumping to be the first one to speak, after some time people will stop listening to what you have to say (if that hasn’t happened already). Being the last one to speak also provides a strategic advantage. You’ll know what the rest are thinking and you can alter your argument suitably to make it more convincing. Besides, now you can anticipate the kind of questions others will raise and think of suitable answers. 

Wearing blinkers

Your solution no doubt may be a good one, and to you there appears to be no point in wasting time listening to what others have to say, because as far as you’re concerned, the objective is to solve the problem in the minimum time possible. It takes humility to accept that others may have equally good alternative solutions, but it is a fact that they do. So hear them out- it’ll broaden your perspective.  

Admitting that you’re not infallible

Sometimes, it may be a blow to our ego to admit that we do not know something, yet it is this very trait that makes us human. When was the last time you said, “I don’t know”? Your boss, colleagues and subordinates are more likely to warm up towards you in you’re honest, than if you pretend to know everything. After all, there are few people as obnoxious and insufferable as that category of ‘know-it-alls’!

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